Til Death Do Us Part...

Til Death Do Us Part…It sounds so cliche, so sweet, so touching.  But marriage is hard work.  We have gone through financial difficulty, job losses, health issues, extramarital affairs, chemical imbalances, and fierce disagreements, and it's hard.  There is comfort in knowing someone so completely.  The fact that we have weathered these things together has brought a depth that no new relationship or fling on the side could ever compare to.  But, again.  It is work.  It takes unselfish sacrifice and energy.  It takes putting aside who you are for a moment to speak in a way that your spouse can hear.  I have never put so much of my heart, so much of my sweat and tears into a relationship before.  I have never opened my  heart so wide to someone before that the fleshly, tender parts are exposed.  I have some scar tissue, and some wounds that still bleed once in a while.
Regardless, I am so thankful for my Father.  My Father in heaven who has seen us through all of these things.  He has watched shaking his head when we ignored his warnings and then dried our tears in the aftermath.  I don't know how to do it any other way.  I don't know how to navigate life, and confusion, and fear and pain and decisions without his guidance.  I am thankful for him.  I am thankful that he never has left me even when most of the important people in my life have disappointed or hurt or failed me in some way.  I am thankful for a perfect God who is always the same and never decides one day he doesn't love me anymore, or that someone else deserves more of his devotion than I do.  I am thankful for hope and joy and beauty that can spring up in my tattered and bruised heart.  Life is hard.  Marriage is hard.  But, I am thankful.
"And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:19

Spring

I was born in the spring time.  March 11th to be exact.  Just like those bulbs pushing their way through the darkness into the light of a new day, I have seen my share of dirt.  Life has thrown dirt on me and splashed me with muddy water.  People have driven stakes through my heart and tried to tear up my roots.  "I lift my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from?" Psalm 121:1  
By the grace of God I am still holding on.  God knew how much dirt would be thrown my way.  He also knew that because of him and who he made me to be, I would not stay down forever.  He knew that because of the pillars he has placed in my life, and the light above me, I would be able to hold on and pull myself up.  That as the light hit my face I would gain strength and beauty because of the place I came from.  The place where I was broken and withered, thinking I just might die.  
I am thankful for my struggles.  I am thankful for my brokenness.  I am thankful for the pain of losing a loved one and the anguish of a broken heart.  I am thankful because these things make me who I am today…
"Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O Lord." Psalm 25:7b
"I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul." Psalm 31:7

3

So, I usually get one of 3 responses to my recent life events.
1) The "I feel so sorry for you" look
2) The "I am going to kick someone's ass" look
3) The "I don't know how to deal with this information" look
For any of you reading this who know you gave me one of these...no hard feelings.  I understand.
In fact, you may have gotten one of these looks from me at some point in time!
People from group one, I understand why you feel sorry for me, but please don't.  God has used this intense heartache for my good and the growth and strengthening of my marriage and family.
Those of you from group 2, I love you!  I love that you care about me enough to want to "throw down."  I do, on the other hand, also want you to let that anger go.  I am learning to, so I think you can too.
Group 3, well I didn't mean to shock you or make you uncomfortable, but life often presents us with uncomfortable situations that we never thought we would be in, myself included.  I guess we all just need to learn how to deal with them and I hope that none of you have to deal with information that rocks you to the core in your own marriage.

*God will take a good marriage and make it great. He will take a struggling marriage and get it back on track.  He will take a dead marriage and bring it back to life.

*A Marriage After God's Own Heart by David Clarke

Hearts

Feet intertwined,

Bodies aligned,

Heart still working it’s way back…

I hear deep breathing,

The sound of rest,

My pillow still strains with the weight of tears…

Your voice I hear,

Please say it,

Say the words I ache for…

Prayer on my lips,

I’ve thrown in all my chips,

Peace finally lulls me to sleep…

On it’s way,

Another new day,

Promises of hope and fresh starts…

Kisses and hugs greet,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Words never sounded so sweet,

No pretending, not taking for granted…

Look at us,

Look at this mess,

Flowers spring up in the rubble…

Pain fleets faster,

Joy lingers longer,

Heart, don’t give up and don’t look back…

Life can be hard

 Life doesn't get any easier.  I always thought it would when I was young, but it doesn't.  Certain parts become easier.  Talking to people you don't know, finding places you've never been to and so on.  Relationships have times of happiness and an ease of tempo, but the times of struggle and disagreements always come if you are being honest with yourself and your significant other.  I started my marriage, just trying to please even if that meant sacrificing who I was.  Truly, I didn't have much say in who I was as an adolescent, so I'm not sure I really knew who I was, but regardless, I just made myself fit the mold because I thought that was how I could be loved.  In the times I did not do this, there were heated, loud arguments that resulted in the "silent treatment" and hurt feelings.  Then a baby came unplanned and the focus switched.  The next 10+ years I couldn't hide who I really was, but I did try to change who he was so that he would be the father to our kids that I always wanted my father to be to me.  Ridiculous and futile, but I tried anyway.  In the mean time, the ways he could have helped me out, I instead tried to control and do "perfectly" by doing it myself, and he felt useless and neglected.  Fast forward 8-10 years. Teenage years have been hard.  Grades are a challenge, girl attitudes and emotions are a challenge, finances are a challenge, schedules of working, going from here to there for games and tournaments and practices are a challenge.  Somewhere in there, it happened.  Disconnect.  He felt more and more neglected and useless since girls tend to go to their moms for personal stuff unless their dad is used to talking about "girl stuff" without trying to fix things, and we just stopped talking about anything except "you're doing this wrong, or who is taking her to practice this time, and how are we going to deal with this problem?"  Huge disconnect.  (Enter temptation here.)  Fast forward to present day and here we are dealing with the consequences of sin in our marriage.  Sure, we deal with sin every day, but this is huge.  God is healing us.  God is changing us.  God is healing our marriage.  God is healing our home.  But, we are still on earth, so each day brings its own new challenges. 

"Difficulties and obstacles are God's challenges to faith. When hindrances confront us in the path of duty, we are to recognize them as vessels for faith to fill with the fullness and all-sufficiency of Jesus; and as we go forward, simply and fully trusting Him, we may be tested, we may have to wait and let patience have its perfect work; but we will surely find at last the stone rolled away, and the Lord waiting to offer us double for our time of testing." --A. B. Simpson

Healing

When the pain eases,

And flowers start to grow

Don’t forget where you’ve been

Don’t forget what you know

That place that was only dark

Where God held your hand

Those moments when He held your tears

When you were sinking in the sand

Don’t forget as the path grows brighter

And your heart begins again to beat

When each breath you take

Doesn’t feel like an impossible feat

Remember who your Rock is

Remember He was always there

Smell the flowers of love on your path

Open your eyes to His grace everywhere

Don’t let go of His hand

When you start to feel strong

Believe me, you still need Him

To sing you a healing song

Keep talking to Him like you are desperate

Every day of your life

When the way is easy and flowers grow

Or when your day is full of strife

Don’t forget what you have learned along the way

Read stories about the hero of your heart

Talk to Him daily and trust his plan

Thank Him for giving you a fresh start

After all…

He is the one holding me close

The one who dries my tears

The one holding my broken heart together

The one acknowledging my fears

He will never leave

Or tell me I’m not enough for him

He will never shatter my trust

Or throw my devotion to the wind